“Emotions overwhelm you when you least expect it, a true pain attack (yes, PAIN attack).

I find it crazy that emotions I suppress are in sync with Caleb’s emotions. We can go through days without Caleb saying he misses his dad; however we acknowledge him daily with loving and uplifting sentiments. It seems like we have a “sustainable acceptance” of his absence. But when that longing for his presence is felt, it usually hits us at the same time. My heart may be heavy, I could be on the verge of tears in the other room and then later that night Caleb will say, “Mommy, I miss Daddy.” Those tears I held back for myself then pour out for my son.

I miss our life. Our certainties. Our routines that included love in every action. Our vacations. Our night, morning, weekend, holiday, and birthday rituals. Our inside jokes. Our depth of love that is completely indescribable. I miss how we tuned the world out.

People don’t understand, it’s so much more than losing the love of your life and most important person in your world… you also lose yourself. You are not the same as before – you are uncertain of your abilities. I constantly feel incompetent, weak, scared, worried (a lot), foggy, and overwhelmed by normal tasks. Every part of me has been changed forever. No matter how hard I try to “regain consciousness”, I fear I will never be the same.

How do I start over at 29?? The best parts of life were already in motion.”

Written Feb 2014